Monday, 18 April 2011

Monk! I need a Monk!

Well, I've lost almost all of the motivation I had under my tray in this big ordeal called life. I mean, I am not that drugs kinda person. So I have nothing too specific to attribute this one to. I have been riding with this level of motivation (or lack thereof) for about a month and a bit longer now. I am part of the many crazy people on earth who love their cars. Old or New. To add to what I have been going through in the recent past, I ran into a mind block this morning when I drove my car alongside the apartment gate and bought myself a rather nasty scratch on its nice and glittery red clothing. Like the way J.D.Salinger puts it in his epic novel, I think I'd rather have a Goddamn Horse instead of this one.

The feeling of nihilism is one that is a superlative of what I am currently going through. I know it is not that bad with me. I did try out a couple of those traditional approaches of getting over these mind blocks. Once I came out of it like I never cared about anything in life. I thought there wasn't much to worry about in terms of job, love, money et. al. But then, these things grow upon you. Even a slight-ish impact on your state of mind like the one I had this morning is good enough to add salt to the wound. The  picture of those long white marks keep flashing in my mind ever since and I am not able to get out of it.

These phases in one's life, by and large, tend to make one lose hope on oneself. You can go out under the sun and start dancing to your favorite tune or sit down on a couch at the bar and sip your favorite whisky with soda. But it doesn't work like any sort of magic. I've tried drinking 2 cups of tea each time I go to the corner store. I've tried losing my mind to some lengthy hours of cleaning ordeals around the house. I've even tried to go out to the beach to untangle my mind from what is currently holding it. I know these things aren't going to give any motivation to fill the void that I am referring to. But I expected them to get my mind out of the logjam. In vain.

Socializing/Finding someone to love have been agreed upon as good options out of these nasty situations. But in my case they aren't helping either. I kind of have a screen in front of my facade that filters the good energy out of what touches upon me in day to day life. It is not about the career/job. It is not about the lack of love. It is about something else that I am trying to figure out. I always believed the culprit in my case was, more often than not, the idle time that has filled most of my agenda sheet in the last months. But trying to keep me engrossed in conversations didn't help either. So I am ruling that out of question too. One intriguing thing that is probably still inscrutable to me is the fact that in this period, markedly, I had a number of unrelated and random dreams. Different and more in number than usual. I think it comes down to saying that the mind is preoccupied with something else and is not able to negotiate with its subconscious brother.

The emotional snapshots that these dreams give me are probably arising out of a good number of unanswered questions in the mind that the subconscious of mine is not able to handle. These blocks have been a burden for quite some time for me. And they've more or less made me retire from a few things that I used to keep myself busy with in life. I am totally idle. I think I need some food for my brain, mind and body.


ravi said...

onnume puriyala. oru quarter adichitu, sothumootai aato paduth endiri. Morning, you will get back to liking idle pursuits of life:-)

Pradeep Sekhar said...

@Ravi : Edhadh pudhusa sollunga...idh ennamo poyi pal thechitu paal kudui ngra mari irukku :P