Thursday, 28 July 2011

Mallu 007

Disclaimer : I spoof a lot of things on my blog and elsewhere and this is only one of those which are totally pun intended. So I request my mallu friends to take it like a man with whiskers. I mean, in that rightly valiant spirit that defines a man. I have pieces for other states too. Leaving them for the future, he is this one on Kerala.

We do this annual trip to Sabarimala and I have been doing it for about 20 years or so. It would do injustice to my diary if a page doesn't go towards Kerala and my observations there by and large.

  • Both the CPI and Congress in the state have done nothing whatsoever to make amendments to the rule that men should wear a mustache to get their name on the state census. In fact, babies born with mustaches (One happened in July, 1968) are considered true and patriotic malayalis without any additional levels of screening.
  • Shaving, as a routine or time pass is more or less considered criminal and as people from civilizations like ours do not wish to commit sins by and large, they brush aside the need to shave. Last time they saw a razor is recorded around 1848, when razors were much talked about owing to the period of French Revolution.
  • Talking of razors and the historical bit associated with it, school text books in Kerala have a chapter dedicated to this lethal weapon and it has been gathered from underground channels that that particular chapter is to be marked with a double star and pages highlighted with a permanent marker. The razor subject is a very important question in the state board exams.
  • Jesudas is a guy who non keralites find it tough to identify though he is a famous name and all that in musical circles (not musical chairs, the circles where those oldies talk about Kalyani, Sankarabharanam and the like). Simple reason : The beard. It has triggered an identity crisis in the state.
  • Malayalam is a wonderfully sexy language. My first ever crush was on a malayali girl way back in my 4th grade or something and ever since, the language flows like music in my ear when someone speaks it. I am like, I go cute.... when someone says something like nyaan toylet poyi ippo kazhuvi vannu. The only other language that I classify under the 'sexy' category is bengali. (My second crush was from Calcutta)
  • They don't cook in Kerala. Period. Unless one considers fish, meen, karuvadu and those related things as food, that is. Nothing else is edible, including their rice (The big, thick grains that I have always found heavy to carry from plate to mouth.)
  • The way they put garlic and chilli powder in all and sundry eatables in Andhra, these chicks from the Kerala kitchen like to have their servings with coconut. The dishes may categorize under 'sweet' or 'savory'. Doesn't matter much.
  • The lungi is one thing that is strikingly common between the tamils and keralites. But the color in the latter's is mind boggling. They are artists by birth. I mean, that category of modern arts and the corresponding artists. With all colors and nothing else on the canvas. But there is one stark difference. They don't prefer the pattapatti (striped boxer) under the lungi unlike tamils.
  • Owing to the proximity to Kerala, tamil, which is an otherwise not so beautiful language in my humble opinion, sounds sweet in Kovai and Nellai districts. But no, I have not had girl friends from those areas broadly.
  • The architecture of houses and villas in Kerala are just too good and they give an optical illusion of gulf money on their facade at first look. Glittering outers, just like currency notes.
  • The amount of vegetation in Kerala is second only to the amount of vegetation on the upper lips of protagonists in Wodehouse novels. Bertie's occasional vegetation pips theirs once in a while. But otherwise, Kerala has a clean record of being on the top.
  • One of the many reasons why I respect Kerala as a state is the vast difference in the quality of banana chips. They are not like the ones we get from the Kerala Bakery on Usman Road. Speaking of food, Nairs there, are just too good in their chai recipe. The nairs with shops on street corners in Chennai are mere imposters.
  • Kerala stays close to my heart for one more reason. That is the only other state (first one being tamil nadu) on the map of india where the alphabets 'z' and 'h' make sense in combination. As in Kozhikode and Alapuzha. No one else can say it right. One of my colleagues from Bihar is taking a crash course from me on that, but he is not a bright student and not coping too well, I should say.
  • Last but not least, how can I miss the 'koooffi', 'oomane', and other similar pronunciation patterns, if you get the drift. Sweeeeet! I can give anything for those sweet syllables uttered by that hot Menon babe..I forgot her first name.
P.S : Disclaimer repeat! No offense meant. Pun intended. My malayali friends can sharpen their mustaches and give a scornful look at me if they feel hurt. But not more than that.


Raagini said...

Good read!

I have come across a lot of Mallu-trouncing blogs but this one is much less maligning! :)

Question time:

a)All this analysis, thanks to 20 trips to and from Sabarimala?

b) Crush = Girlfriend?

I don't mean to be rude to you, though. If you feel that way,you could probably give a nice little twirl to your moustache too! :)

P.S: The Mallus are also known for their shrewdness and guile. It is said, if you happen to want to use your fake 100 Rupee note, in that ubiquitous mallu tea stall, you ARE bound to get a 65 and a 35 Rupee note. :)

Pradeep Sekhar said...


1. The less maligning part is due to my specific liking for that state and people.
2. trips over 20 years are just to lay the foundation or starting point. Nothing else.
3. Crush != Girl Friend. Never felt/said otherwise.
4. The P.S point is something I have definitely missed. It should be an additional bullet point.

Anonymous said...

It's definitely worth the read!! and need to tell.. the words you use in and out is making people to keep a track to your posts!! Personally me ;)

Hari said...

Haha! Good time laughing at myself (I am a fraud mallu, without a meeshai though). But I now understand why I have the propensity to wear the Devdas look every now and then. And forget saloons in Kerala, the closest shave you can get is when you're travelling by one of those reckless KSRTC buses.

Pradeep Sekhar said...

Hari : Double like at the KSRTC comment. I know what you mean!!! exactly!!!!! Been there..Seen that :-)

Pradeep Sekhar said...

@Prakash : Thanks!

Madan Chander said...

Eda patti... Endha da idhu..
Nee nambalinda mallu oooficers ah keendal adichuu...

OK nee poram poi maapu (Sooorryy) kazhichu...

illana unakku aappu kedachu... HAHAHA

Vickynadaraj said...

I foolly underrstand.Koofi is just not the same as Kaapi.And I absolutely agree about the facial hair.I am Tamil but I had two Mallu BF's in Coollege and I have difficulty telling them apart in my memory.Oh yes and my favourite chaiwallah is Babymon in Berryjam(the only one still,I'm sure),Kodaikaanal.

Pradeep Sekhar said...

@Vicky: You seem to share a lot of these mallu opinions with me..and seem to have experienced a lot on that front too...but what's miffing me here is your reference to two BF's at college...I am not in that league.I prefer to call myself straight :P

Vickynadaraj said...

Oh boy,talk about Mallus.Joby Joy is on "Are you smarter than a fifth Grader and He didn't know where the Maori's are from.Ayyoyo!!!

Vickynadaraj said...

BF-boy friends,best friends.Glad you are straight and glad if you are not.Jobymon did not win anything.There goes the rep.He had an American accent so probably Born In the USA-they got to his genes.

Pradeep Sekhar said...

Oh Wait, I mistook your name to be one of a guy's. So I take my words back. then BF's are totally fine.Rock on!

Vickynadaraj said...

Only in India-guys called Vicky and girls called Pinky.Better than China or Hong Kong I guess.Candida and Anthrax Wong must be having a helluva time.How do you like my Stevie Wonder smile?

Vickynadaraj said...

Good to see you are still alive and kicking in spite of the end of the world,which just passed by without so much as a sink hole caving in.I was on a plane at the designated hour and just experienced some turbulence(probably a God fart from some indigestion,probably- alot of stuff happening nowadays is difficult to digest. The land and sea were in the right place still when I landed.